i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
sex in a hospital.. check
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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