Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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