Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
