He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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