I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
