Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
