Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I would ride that face into the sunset
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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