I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
