life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
