A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
