That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
