I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
