This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
