Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
