I'm so fucking centered right now
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
