i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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