My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
