if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
