you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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