never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
