I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
