OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
