oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
