This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I still have a little drunk in my system
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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