I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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