I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Randomize
