Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
