u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
