Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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