Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Your cock deserves a montage
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
