He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
