im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
