I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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