I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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