Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
if only i could text you this smell
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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