you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
