i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
