hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
