you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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