i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
