i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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