my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
