Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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