I should be sponsored by Trojan
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
