we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
