He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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