Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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