When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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