Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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