just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She announced her abortion via fbk
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
