Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Randomize
